On a Hot August Night

For some reason I haven't been in the mood to cook much lately. I think it's because it is hard to get my house cooled down after I cook. It's about 100 degrees all the time here this last two weeks. I almost died at least a dozen times. I walk around shirtless everywhere showing off my sweat slick barrel chest to all. Parents have asked me to put my shirt on as I was frightening their children. I just nod and show the top of my sweaty butt crack and they run away as well. Who needs to conceal a weapon in this heat? I actually almost died picking up a wall the other day. That's right, I said wall. I will put a picture of that up sometime. I have no time.
The other reason I might not be cooking is because I cook at a country club two nights a week. I don't think that is it though. I actually don't get to cook all that often. Usually I just stand around a sweat and watch the official certified and credentialed Chef cook. He talks a lot of B.S. and giggles to himself. But I don't really care. I don't like getting paid for doing nothing, but I am sweating so I figure there is some equity there.
So I'm not cooking at home a lot right now. I think it's the heat. I walk around my house in underwear and sometimes naked, I don't care what the neighbors think, it's hot damnit. Quit looking in my windows. Actually last night I saw a guy looking in my neighbor’s window at 2 am. He saw me sitting there in my undies staring at him and he ran away. I put on some shorts and knocked on my neighbor's door, his lights were still on. I don't really know this guy. In my hood, I keep to myself and ask the same of my neighbors. "Who is it!” He yelled. I could see through the screen that he was in his boxers, he ran to put on pants before answering the door. See it's that hot, no one wants to wear clothes, even the Goth kids are slimming down to black and white striped tights and leaving it at that. It's really disturbing.
So I'm not cooking, and I'm really not eating that much either. It's too hot to eat. It takes to much energy to process the food. I might die if I eat too much. When I do eat it's usually a cracker or a beer. Beer is food.
Last night I had Thai food. Hot food!! And it's true I felt cooler after my lips feel off.
Tonight I had Chinese take-out. Chinese take-out. We never say Bar-B-Que take-out we just get it to go. We never say Pizza Take-out. It's just one of those phrases like, "no little cinnamon gum" that just flows and we say it and that's that. So I'm eating my General chicken with my chopsticks and I've got my Crab Rangoon (there's no crab in this) and I squirt my duck sauce on the plate out of the clear pack with the cute panda on it. I'm looking at my meal and all the cool little boxes that the food comes in...And you know what? The Panda Bear with the Chinese characters coming out of his butt duck sauce and soy, the chopsticks with the red wrapper with the Chinese horoscope on it (I'm a cock, by the way), the cute little boxes that have the funky lettering that looks like someone wrote it with a stick and it says Thank You and Kari Out, all that stuff, get this, all of it, made in America. Not imported by some place in Jersey, nope, made in White Plains, NY. I mean we are importing Apple Juice from China, garlic from China (I think we are good at growing these things aren't we?) We import friggin' little stuffed Santas from China. But we make Chinese packaging and foodstuffs in White Plains? I bet the Chinese make a mean chopstick. I trust them with chopsticks. In fact, I want my chopsticks to come from China. Ok so that's the way I want it. Apple juice from Washington, and chopsticks from China. I guess I should be glad that we are still making something here. Maybe we should ship out chopsticks and little Panda packs to China. Take that! I want to visit White Plains, NY; I bet it is quite pastoral.